Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit my child's teething as proof of insanity

Oh, John, light of my life, bane of my existence. My son, my sleep-thief. Tee-thing-pain: the tip of the tongue taking three steps down the palate to tap, so innocently, against the bones that cause such misery. Two. Year. Molars.

He was awake, plain awake in the morning, screaming upright in bed at four o'clock. He was stubborn at home. He was happy at school. He was flirtatious at the grocery store cash register. But in the depths of my night, he was always helplessly screaming.

Did it have a reason? It did, indeed it did. In point of fact, there might have been no screaming at all had there not been, one eon, a certain initial idiocy of evolution. Between the forestland and the sea. Oh when? About as many years ago as some fool decided our survival could stand an unimaginable torture called teething. You can always count on a mother for incoherently blaming existence.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the childless, the inexperienced, free-wheeling childless are snickering at. Look at this ream of sleepless nights.

(With thanks and apologies to Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita)

11 comments:

Donald M. Edwards said...

Hyland's Teething Tablets are your friend!

Antonia Malchik said...

Thanks Don!

D.M. SOLIS said...

Dear Antonia,

How can you write about something that's clearly so completely frustrating...and cause me, any reader, to smile so. You walk a fine line...and balance things so. Thank you. Peace...peace....

Diane

Antonia Malchik said...

Thank you, Diane, such lovely words! As I'm sure you know, a sense of humor sometimes keeps one from going completely insane :-)

D.M. SOLIS said...

Dear Antonia,

What a treasure you are. I like the way you highlight your frustration with humor, not to mention vigor! When all else fails, we can always laugh...we MUST laugh or, as you say, go insane. I have never had a teething child or any child. I have never even changed a truly soiled diaper (if you don't count a colostomy bag or several). But I did take care of one of my nieces on a crying evening. She didn't even have a piercing cry...but it went on and on and crescendoed a few times (like eight). So, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for keeping it lively. Peace and continued good things for you!

Sincerely,
Diane

Antonia Malchik said...

Thanks Diane! I can imagine changing a colostomy bag is definitely on par with changing diapers -- and more delicate because you are trying to hold in balance an adult's dignity. As you say, humor keeps us sane. Thank you for your kind and beautiful words!
--Antonia

Jesse said...

I've never seen a Lolita parody before... I really didn't know it could be done.

Antonia Malchik said...

Not sure if I could say I've done it successfully. But I can honestly say it came to me while I was in the shower after a very tough couple of nights :-)

Jesse said...

It was @ the very least successful in amusing me.

jessiebell said...

I just read this again and I love it... don't know if I ever told you.

Antonia Malchik said...

Thanks kiddo :-)